The pastor concentrated mostly on the role of a husband, principles that are misunderstood about marriages and the trouble marriages are facing today. If you’ve followed me at all, you will know I have always had a heart for marriage, even more so after spending a lot of time praying and gaining understanding during a two year separation from my husband, before God’s instructions brought him back home to restore our marriage.
This is where the message I heard this morning left me:
It’s hard to let go of our children as they grow to different stages; teenagers, college, adulthood, marriage!
Children become a BIG part of parent’s lives. Letting go is not always easy. Parents are given a huge authority over their children’s lives and play a big role in the influence over their thoughts, beliefs and understanding. Time always presents another opportunity for parents to let go of the reigns a little, to help offer children a chance at their own lives, which is not lined with personal agendas of parents. I say personal agendas because I’ve given godly counsel to many women with marital issues that would normally lead to divorce. Most marital issues deal with in-laws in some way.
It does my heart good to say that over 90% of the women I’ve given godly counsel to in their marriage have changed hearts, are walking out the restoration process with positive results, and many have been able to pour their understanding into their spouse by example (Praise God). I always counseling by taking people back to the root issues, not just the stuff on surface. One of the root issues I’ve noticed is that the IDEA of marriage, what it consist of and should be, always stem back to the examples the husband and wife had in their own lives about marriage.
Many marriages are dealing with generational curses of infidelity being a normal thing when there are marital differences….Men in the family have taught their young boys how to be players instead of how to be true husbands and fathers. I’ve heard many respond to that with “That’s just the way men are.” What a depressing statement for someone to hear who is trying to hold on to their marriage. I mean, where is the hope in that? What do single women have to look forward to and married women have to hold on to? That is not how God created men/women, to dishonor their wives/husbands and families that way. Although infidelity is prevalent in today’s time, it is not normal; it is not the Will of God.
I’ve witnessed situations where in-laws walk in lack of understanding about what their roles are actually designed for. Many over step their boundaries putting pressure on their children to be there and give to them excessively, leaving little room for them to connect and provide properly for their own families. No one is to leave their parents desolate and in despair (there is a difference when your parents are sick and unable to take care of themselves). But a child who has gotten married is to leave their parents and cleave to their spouse. More often than not, lack of respect and understanding is higher when the in-laws are not married or are unhappily married them selves.
This subject( displaced in-laws) is rarely talked about because of fear that the in-laws will make attempts to discredit the son/daughter in-law with comments like, “he/she is trying to keep you from your family, your mother and father always come first, or I gave birth or took care of you.” This type of manipulation is tragic because it never provides an understanding for the covenant role that the adult child had signed up for in marriage and goes against the order of God. In-laws with the wrong understanding will co-sign on wrong behavior from their adult child, if it means their own emotional and financial needs are met in the process.
Parents have to check the role they are playing in their children’s lives. Especially once their children have gotten married and even while they are single, waiting to marry. They must be certain they aren’t dictating, suggesting, manipulating and ruling their children’s time and resources to fill voids in their own life. This isn’t always easy to recognize, the line can get blurry. But it’s important to reflect on for the good of children.
As adult children, you have to be bold enough and mature enough to see that it is not dishonoring to your parents when you stand up to fulfill your own responsibilities and roles in your life, marriages and family’s life.
If you are married, you can’t call on momma and daddy for everything you face, nor are you able to be everything for your parents, leaving your husband/wife to fend for themselves. God holds marriage at a high honor and your spouse is now first before anyone other that God. There is always trouble when this is not understood and adhered to.
I was asked how to deal with in-laws who sabotage their children’s marriage or don’t know their place in their child’s life once they have married. My response was AGAPE love (love on them in spite of) Displaced in-laws are normally battling with their own insecurities. The one way to make people feel secure is to love on them differently. Love them past their insecurities and offer a place of comfort for them. Most don’t understand that a strong marriage in the family strengthens the whole family for generations to come when they are focused on themselves. It takes the strength of God to have a good marriage in the world and does not help when you have forces with huge influence working against you. We as people must learn our roles in our children/parents lives and ask God to help us walk in our roles properly. Only God’s way, since he created marriage will offer the greatest results. Agape is a principle of God that transcends the odds.
One strong marriage changes the outlook on marriages for generations to come. Let’s join together to pray for strong marriages so that our children and their children can experience God’s best!
From my experience to yours,
Tanya Wilson-Cherry
Consultant to stars like you and everyday people walking out this jewel called LIFE.
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